There's a place where you don't wanna be
Where people die constantly
And they never die in normal ways
It's preposterous but still cliché
When your drug dealer's aunt kills your mom in a duel
By chopping off her head with a scythe in a pool
Well they're not saying it makes sense
They're just interpreting the evidence
This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored
There was semen all over the crime scene
So they use the super-fancy semen testing machine
And the DNA database gets a hit
But it looks like he might still get away with it
But the final piece of evidenceTotally stumps the bad guy's defense
And he breaks down in front of everyone
And tells them exactly how it was done
This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored
By the middle of the first season
Murder is eclipsed by sexual tension
And I guess that probably happens a lot
Since crime-solving people are always so hot
But then a serial killer kidnaps the girl
And they promise to save her if it costs them the world
And they find her two seconds before she dies
And they hug and they laugh and they screw and they cry
This is the plot to every television crime show
From CSI to Columbo and I think you know what's in store
The guy we met in the first fifteen minutes
Will come back because you know he did it
They're not even trying anymore
And I'm getting bored
William Henry Green II is an American YouTuber, science communicator, novelist, stand-up comedian, and entrepreneur. He produces the YouTube channel Vlogbrothers with his older brother, author John Green, and hosts the educational YouTube channels Crash Course and SciShow. He has advocated for and organized social activism, created and hosted a number of other YouTube channels and podcasts, released music albums, and amassed a large following on TikTok.
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