2
I got trauma from my momma
She used to beat me down as if she was the brown bomber
I couldn’t figure out a way to make her feel calmer
I think about it now it kinda make me feel somber
I used to think about it didn't make me feel nothing
Acting like it mattered didn’t make me feel tough and
Feeling tough was really like my #1 focus
From growing up in a city lots of people feel hopeless
And listening to music about sex and violence
Just a matter of time 'fore we was like “let’s try this”
Started having sex when I was 12 years old
My brain wasn’t ?ven done growing
Coming from a mom that used to wild and bug
‘For? i was a teen I really needed that love
2 years later she would dump me for senior
Solidifying my misogynist demeanor
Hearts that young aren’t meant to be broken
Later on I’d get into incessant weed smoking
Now at 39 I still be wishing and hoping
Somehow we wind up together I am not joking
But lemme take it back before my parents got hitched
My pop was with a woman then that had it all wrong
By 5 years old i would already think about sex
She used to let me hump her legs when he was gone
I know that sounds mad
Under the sheets, rubbing my crotch against her calves
I realize now I always knew that it was something bad
‘Cause up until this song I always kept it from my dad
But how come any 5 year old would wanna hump legs?
I just might have to owe that to my neighbor next door
He was a little older and a little more mature
My mother caught us playing doctor I was only 4
Luckily she caught us ‘fore we started using mouths
But not before I found out how it felt to get aroused
Now I think about it as a grown intellectual
Life as a shortie shouldn’t be so sexual
I also shoulda never had to lie to BCS
That type of thing could really bring a kid a lot of stress
My mom had trauma too so she was only doing her best
I feared that they were gonna take me out of my address
No wonder my relationships with women always fail
What’s crazy is I’m lucky ‘cause at least I’m not in jail
Compared to everybody else I had it so easy
Got family that was touched up by uncles that’s so sleazy
Won’t put they business in the street ‘cause they know who they are
The question I have trouble answering is who am I?
For almost 40 years I was afraid to even ask
My father always taught me men are not supposed to cry
So every bit of pain I ever had I locked away
But now I’m here to let you know that that is not the way
I thought that I had tricked myself, thought I was being slick
That fantasy departed when I started getting sick
The doctors couldn’t tell me any way to make it stop
My soul was under too much pressure it was gonna pop
It turned out that the only way that I could ever heal
Is start to work through all the trauma I had kept concealed
It hasn’t happened overnight
I know that it might take a while
May even take a life
But one way or another I just gotta make it right
Right?
Angel Del Villar II, better known by his stage name Homeboy Sandman, is an American rapper from Elmhurst, Queens in New York.
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