Wanna spend some quality time with my son,
So I brought him down to the fishin' hole.
Didn't like the feelin' of that worm in his hand.
Got mad.
Threw down his fishin' pole!
Said, "That's alright, son, let's go and get an ice cream.".
"Let your ol' man buy you a treat!"
But he didn't like no flavors up upon that wall,
Started cryin'.
And ran into the street!
He's an asshole!
My kid's an asshole!
I swear, he just don't float my boat.
Always cryin'.
Always cryin'!
Made me wanna punch 'im in his little throat!
Called my lady up to tell 'er what had happened,
How our son had run away!
She said, "Don't worry baby, I will talk to him,"
"And everything will be okay!
My lady's an asshole!
She is an asshole!
Her assholishness is off the charts!
Always perfect.
Always perfect!
Made me wanna punch 'er in her lady parts!
*whistling*
I decided I'd go down to the bar,
And drown my sorrows in a beer!
But the sign outside said, "Closed for renovations,
We'll open up again next year!"
That bar is an asshole.
It's an asshole!
Oh, the worst bar in the land!
Always closin'.
Always closin'!
Ya can't punch a bar 'cause you'll hurt your hand!
*whistling*
I went home to forget about my troubles,
Sat down in my favorite easy chair.
Couldn't relax for the pain I was feelin',
As my hemorrhoid began to flare.
My asshole's an asshole.
A real butt-hole!
Needs to put his asshole-self in check!
Always burnin'.
Always itchin'!
Made me wanna punch 'im in his asshole neck!
*whistling*
Late one night, lyin' awake in bed,
Mm, a realization came.
'Are there really assholes everywhere I look,
Or am I the one to blame?'
Maybe I just do not say the things I should say,
An' I don't do the things I ought?
So I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror,
And this is what I thought:
The guy who sold me this mirror's an asshole!
He's an asshole!
Son of a bitch said it was antique!
Always lyin',
Always lyin'!
Made me wanna punch 'im in his salesman cheek!
I'm on a real asshole streak!
I could open up an asshole boutique!
I think the song has reached its peak!
Goodbye, you assholes, see ya next week!
Stephen Andrew Lynch is an American singer-songwriter, comedian, and actor born in Boston in 1972. Known for his unique musical style that blends elements of folk, alternative rock, and cabaret, Lynch has gained a large fanbase thanks to his ironic songs, often self-deprecating, and his sharp lyrics that tackle themes like everyday life, human relationships, and the American experience. His musical career began in the 1990s with performances in Boston clubs before achieving national success with his debut album "A Little Bit of Everything" (2003). Lynch has released numerous other successful albums, including "The Music Is Dead" (2005), "The Best of Stephen Lynch" (2010) and "Up in the Air" (2018). Besides music, Lynch is also a successful actor with appearances in films and TV series like "Scrubs", "Boston Legal" and "The Big Bang Theory". Among his most famous songs are "I'm Gonna Be a Star", "The Ballad of the Broken Heart", "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend" and "You Can't Stop Me Now".
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