[Phone rings]
Man: Hello, Palace.
Guido: G'day mate, my name is Guido Hatzis, right,
M: Yes?
G: and I read in the paper today that the queen is coming to
Australia next year.
M: Yes Yes, where are you calling from?
G: Mate I call from Australia. Now I’m prepared to let the
old lady stay at my place, alright?
M: Err, who is this?
G: Mate it's Guido Hatzis, alright?
M: Ahh, where are you from?
G: Mate I told you before alright you deaf pommy poof, alright,
I’m from Australia, alright?
M: I beg your pardon? you can't-
G: Nah, nah mate listen to me, listen to me, alright?
M: You can't speak to me like that!
G: Nah I will speak to you like that, alright? I’m ringing to
tell you that the Queen can stay at my place but only on the
couch mate, alright?
M: Err, I'm fine? Look?
G: Nah, nah mate, are you a beefeater, is that what you are?
M: I beg your pardon?
G: Mate are you a beefeater? ‘Cos I tell ya, the next thing you'll
eat mate is a knuckle sandwich from me, right?
M: Look, if you have any specific comments, I can write them in
the book and pass them on.
G: Nah, nah, mate, write in the book alright, write it right now,
You are a dick-head Pommy poof, alright, can you spell that?
M: I'm Sorry.
G: Nah, nah, mate I am sorry that I speak to you, you're the
dickhead mate, you need to get me the Queen on the phone now,
alright?
M: I'm sorry?
G: Yeah, you say sorry alot mate, I’d be sorry if I had a head
like you mate, alright?
M: Listen, if you have any specific enquiries about the Royal Family-
G: Nah, nah, mate, I'll start again, alright, cause you're a stupid
pommy poofter alright, so what we do, right, the Queen, she come
and stay at my place, alright, two days a week she work at my
Nanna's fish and chip shop, alright?
M: (mumbling) Ridiculous.
G: Nah, mate, ridiculous? It will be, she will get the sack if she
steal any pickled onions alright?
M: I don’t believe this!
G: Nah, nah mate, I am tired of speaking to you, I will go now, alright?
M: Look, if you have any specific enquiries about the royal family,
you can leave them here, with, and I will write them in the book
and pass them on.
G: Mate, alright, you write 'em in the book, alright, why are they a
bunch of skippy poofs?
Question mark, Guido Hatzis, goodbye.
[Guido hangs up]
Guido Hatzis is a Greek-Australian comic character created by Australian comedians Tony Moclair and Julian Schiller, with the voice of Moclair. Guido appeared originally in the context of Schiller and Moclair's radio program "Crud" on the Triple M network. Several albums have been released in the name of Guido Hatzis, including 'Do Not Talk Over Me' in 2000, 'Whatever' in 2001, and 'Deported' in 2002. Most of Hatzis's comedy involves making prank calls that are usually centred on outrageous claims about his looks and abilities, Greek stereotypes, and extreme rudeness.
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